Does 'make-up' sex really work?
Behind every judgment, every criticism, every unloving act, every unloving word, is an unmet emotion.
Emotions are the silent killers in relationships. Emotions could be seen as the dark shadow that casts its spell on the land of our love.
They are the one thing that many of us are most inept at dealing with, the reason why we are left standing saying, 'Where has the love gone?'
Mastering our emotions is a life long journey. We are emotional beings. According to Barry Long, emotions are feelings that have been unmet, feelings that have turned sour.
A feeling fully felt in the present moment, like grief, anger, frustration, fear, is pure and innocent and arises in the moment. Met innocently and directly, without projecting them out on another, they can be over within a shorter time than if they are repressed or suppressed.
There are two things that can contaminate this pure feeling - our mind and our past.
When we add our mind - thinking, thinking, the pure feeling can fester and turn sour in our hearts.
And our past hurts - unmet anger, unmet fear or unmet grief; feelings that we weren't able to express from childhood, abuse or violation; or past hurts from previous adult experiences - can be triggered and rise like floodwaters and seep into our very existence before we can do anything about it.
Sex is also a huge source of emotion and sex is often used as a fix-it for emotions. “We had great sex and then everything was better.” Make up sex is a common remedy for relationship issues. It can relieve the tension built up by our emotions, but the relief is often short-lived.
Woman is the container – she receives and holds. When sex is an emotional release, unfortunately she is the one left holding all that tension. And then we wonder why ‘women are so emotional’.
But men are also affected. When men start to bring awareness to ‘after an ejaculation’, they notice that they feel a kind of separation and resulting emotion, even if subtle. And then the drive to reconnect starts again. The cycle begins again- getting emotional, finding a way to relieve the emotion/tension, having sex, feeling good for a while and then it builds up again and so it goes around. And both are left to wade through the murky waters of layers of emotion.
‘The spiritual masters tell us that when energy moves downward in the body in discharge, that tension is the byproduct or outcome. Conversely, when energy moves upward, as in Tantric sexual practice, the result is silence, contentment and joy.’ (Diana Richardson)
You can read more on this here about how changing the way you make love can heal your relationship and the studies done to prove this emotional rollercoaster.
Watch out for my next blog post where I will share some practical tips and tools on how to deal with emotions.
Diana and Michael Richardson go into this in depth in their book, Tantric Love, Feelings vs Emotions – I highly recommend it. You can purchase it here.
Montville, Sunshine Coast, QLD
The Making Love Retreat
Sunshine Coast, Qld