I had a total meltdown
Have you ever felt so crippled by shame that you felt you wanted to hide under a rock and disappear? And it felt excruciating to show your face or be seen at all. Maybe that's how you feel every day.
Many of us do so well don't we, to cover that over with some kind of gloss and shine. Some kind of positivity spin so that people will like us, and God forbid, if they might see or find out that fraud we feel ourselves to be under all that act. Or perhaps you just hide away year after year?
Read on for what happened to me last week ...
Was it the Leo Full Moon? Was it just an off day? Am I just so ungrateful? Last Monday, yes only just last week …. I have to admit I had a total meltdown … why? …Because my face appeared on the front of a magazine...
I didn't say 'oh wow, there I am on the front of Holistic Bliss Magazine!'.
Instead I collapsed in so much self criticsim.
I became almost sick, head spinning, dropping mind bombs from the sky, exploding and shattering me like shrapnel. “You’re a fraud. You know nothing. You're not good enough. Who are you anyway? ... You… you … you … you…”. And then "C'mon... This is not Women's Weekly, or Cosmo or WHO magazine!! Get a grip!"
Every self-criticism came rushing like an automatic machine gun!
I called my daughter (we’re really close) and so much tumbled out of my mouth. ‘Mum! It looks fine. It’s lovely, It’s ok. You’re just feeling exposed. It’s natural.’ She’s wise my girl. And she’s a photographer so she knows.
I realized I was out of control. But I made the best choice I could have. I didn’t move. I stayed still.
I called my Jode (Jodie, my right hand woman at my events and amazing Journey practitioner). And she held my hand to meet the raw feeling head on. To FEEL it, not talk about it, not run from it, not hide from it … to truly rawly face and meet the exposure, to not move to change it, manipulate it, soften it.
She asked me, “What’s here?” With that question, an avalanche of emotion fell from the highest peaks, crumbling down annihilating me. I still didn't move.
First I felt exposure, like there were needles pinned all over me. Excruciating. I stayed with it.
Then I felt the shame. Oh, God the shame. I felt like I could die of shame. It was all encompassing. I stayed with it.
And then I met the realization that I cannot control anything. NOTHING. There is nothing and no-one I can control.
I cannot control what another thinks of me, and obviously at this point, I really could not control what even I think of me!
In those moments of realisation, something let go. The tension of holding was too much, and the effort to be something, or someone fell away.
All of a sudden, my body became still. There was a silence. It had all stopped. About ten minutes had passed. And I was at peace.
It was like a raging fire had ripped through my being and terror and shame gave way to profound and spacious stillness. As I sat with it more, stillness then gave way to acceptance, peace and profound love and compassion.
The Mystics say that deep in the core of every emotion is the stillness that you seek.
I was back in me, back in my body. I had totally left. I realised how much I had been in my mind. And in a very unresourceful child part of me.
And it didn't matter anymore. It didn't matter what I 'thought' you (the world) think(s), how you will perceive me, whether you will be critical of me, judgemental of me, admiring of me, jealous or envious of me. And what's more it didn't matter even what I thought of me!
What I realised in that moment was that NONE OF IT WAS REAL!
Other's judgement of me is simply a projection of their own mind state, whether it be positive or negative. And that's not real. My judgement of me is a projection of MY OWN MIND. And that wasn't real.
The only thing that was palpably, undeniably real was the peace and love I felt in my being. Nothing else. And none of it could touch me. And that's how it has stayed all week.
But I didn't get to this by bypassing the emotion. I simply allowed it.
I find it curious when people say 'oh I've dealt with that', when it comes to some of these powerful emotions. They may well have at some point, and it's true that what was a trigger then may no longer be a trigger now.
And.... If you are opening to the truth of each moment, life will ask you to step up more and give you bigger things to face these core issues. To purify all that is not Love.
So ... How much does your denied shame drive your beahviour? How much of your projected shame affects your relationships, your health, your ability to love?
This emotion is debilitating and often drives our fear, stopping us from loving and living, making decisions, moving forward and caring deeply for self.
I invite you to have a think about how shame shows up in your life or how you might avoid it, with either collapsing in emotion and staying there, projecting it out in anger at the world, or masking through being super confident. None of which is allowing anyone be intimate with who you really are.
And next time it comes your way, don't be so quick to run. Turn and meet it, because in meeting it, you are meeting a vulnerable part of you that is aching to be heard, aching to be free. Because in the end, no matter what strategy we use to hide away, we ALL want to be seen for who we really are, for what is actually real.
Shame is an emotion that often arises around one's body and sexuality. One place where you can safely meet and heal these feelings as well as enjoy receiving and sharing love inside yourself and with your partner is The Making Love Retreat. 24th - 30th April. Gene and I would love to see you.
We all need a little help sometimes.... I am loving working more deeply with my Private Mentoring clients. Click here if you are interested in having a chat about my 3 month Private Mentoring.
I have written this post because I hope that it can give you courage to be gentle with yourselves around this emotion. I'd love to hear how it has helped you and what you have noticed in your own daily life.
Life is a journey. It is never a destination. Now that I have had time, I feel profound gratitude and joy towards Vanessa Finnigan, the ever patient and gracious editor Holistic Bliss Magazine for giving me this amazing opportunity to share the message of conscious sexuality and relationships in a non-sensational, practical way, one where Love is at the forefront. Most magazines are looking for oversexualised imagery and sensation when it comes to sexuality to sell their magazines. Vanessa stays in absolute integrity in this way.
Of course I am always eternally grateful for Gene - my partner in crime, this amazing life and journey of love and relationship, and someone willing to live in Truth and face the hard stuff too.
Cover Photo was taken by beautiful Karen Cougan of Above Sea Level Photography. Article photo by Don Hajicek. And here's the link to Holistic Bliss Online
And if you'd like to read the article talented Nicole Taryn wrote, here it is - click to view in full:-
Opening to Love Retreat
24th - 28th April, 2018
Montville, Sunshine Coast, QLD
How I Transformed Depression
16th-19th August, 2018
Montville, Sunshine Coast, QLD