The Couple Bubble

There’s something I’ve observed over my decades of life that is having me fascinated lately.

The couples I know that have had lasting and secure love over many years have all had something in common.

These couples would always be attentive to each other, always sit together or be in close contact at gatherings, always be cueing each other and watch out for each other.

I used to wonder if they were a little ‘co-dependant’, relied on each other too much, perhaps even a bit controlling.

I remember one couple vowing that they would never talk about the other or their relationship in a negative way, that any disturbances would be dealt with within the relationship (or with assisted professional help).

I always loved being around these couples, because there was no drama. You could feel their bubble – you were on the outside, but they were always so gracious in including others in their banter and conversation.

Well, this, according to the latest relationship neuroscience, is actually a thing. These couples are neurologically pairing their brains for safety and security. And creating a Couple Bubble, a protective space around themselves, each other and the relationship, a space where they could share and trust the other to listen to their vulnerabilities, insecurities, concerns or just enjoy daily general sharing of conversations. This term has been coined by Stan Tatkin, author of Wired for Love.

Whether conscious or not, these couples have an agreement, of tethering to each other, staying in contact, in a way, that helps each other feel more secure and safe.

This way, they can tackle their lives with more resilience and more bravery, more confidence knowing that each other had their backs. No matter what childhood background they had, the relationship would provide, and sometimes heal, an insecure childhood or upbringing.

This is called secure functioning. On the other hand, insecure functioning sets up a biological threat response in each other, where couples begin to anticipate all things the other does will hurt.

Generally, these couples are not so skilled at repairing hurt so they accrue a sense of injustice and unfairness because there are no resources for the relationship – it feels too dangerous.

A good place to start is to decide to agree on creating your relationship as the first go-to place, the place where you can rest with each other and support each other, repair quickly if hurts arise, as they will, and reassure each other along the way. This has a profound effect on the nervous system and creates a solid foundation for each other’s lives and families.

As I read more of Stan Tatkin's book and learnt more during the recent Attachment theory of Relationships course I attended at the end of 2019, I felt constantly affirmed and was celebrating how much The Making Love Retreat and what I teach in my one on one couple mentoring, is already creating secure loving for couples. How the suggestions that Stan Tatkin makes are already aligned with the whole course, beginning with creating presence.

So I am super excited to be sharing this amazing retreat with you once again this year. If there was ever an event that could steer the ship of your relationship in the right direction, The Making Love Retreat would be one.

I love opening up a 30 minute time slot to couples that are interested. Click here to make a time for us to chat.


When Men Close Down

When Men Close Down

For years I have written about women closing down sexually. I'm kind of known for it.

But the thing is that men close down too. We all do - it is not necessarily gender specific.

It's just that men usually have naturally high testosterone, rising by 800% in a boy's teens, which makes him highly sexually driven, also give that it is his dymanic pole, in a Tantric sense.

Testosterone can remain high until his 50's - 60's and still quite a reasonable level into his 70's, as long as he is healthy.

But some men find that they have absolutley no drive for sex and no erection at all, even at younger ages - 30's - 40's. And the heart breaking thing is - like women, is that they don't want to be closed....

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There's an acceleration of consciousness sweeping the planet right now. Can you feel that?

Things that were 'fringe' 30 years ago are now mainstream.

Conversations that were behind closed doors are now open and in the nightly news - abuse, depression, anxiety, sex offenders and narcissistic leaders being called out etc etc.

The world is now wanting authenticity. Not a glossed version of 'I have it all together' - it's about realness.

There's one real conversation that I am glad is being had now too and it's about another change - 'the' change - yes the change women go through anywhere from their late 30's, 40's, 50's. Menopause, peri-menopause.

There's nothing more real than your body changing unexpectedly or even gradually - looking down at it and seeing what once was up is now down!

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The Couple Bubble

The Couple Bubble

There’s something I’ve observed over my decades of life that is having me fascinated lately.

The couples I know that have had lasting and secure love over many years have all had something in common.

These couples would always be attentive to each other, always sit together or be in close contact at gatherings, always be cueing each other and watch out for each other.

I used to wonder if they were a little ‘co-dependant’, relied on each other too much, perhaps even a bit controlling....

Read more »

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What is worthy of your devotion?

Back in 1971, when I was in Grade 7, all I wanted was to become a ‘Sister of Mary’. They were the high school girls, who glided like angels into church every Saturday morning wearing these soft blue capes over their dresses. Like an apparition, they appeared so pure, so beautiful, so mysterious. Oh, I so wanted that! 

You can imagine how disappointed I was when they abolished the practice just as I came into Grade 8!

Even though I have not been a practicing catholic since the age of 16, I am profoundly aware that those early years formed a deep impression on me and an appreciation of the sacred, of devotion, of dedication, of kindness and of love.

And it also left its mark...

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A Love Letter To You

I’m thinking of you, if you are reading this, it’s likely that you are a man or a woman of heart. We all are, but some are more inspired to live from this place than others.

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Unwind to Re-Wild

Unwind to Re-Wild

Unwind to re-wild .... as in return to your instinctive self. That's Womantime.

August 27th - 30th will be the fifth Womantime Retreat.

As this work is all about the body, I am finding that the Womantime process is getting deeper and deeper, as each retreat unfolds. So I'm creating more spaciousness for this depth.

Each day is carefully threaded by important ancient wisdom about the female body. Today I thought...

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