When a man loves a woman...
A girlfriend called me in distress recently. She’d been enjoying a beautiful opening with her new man. But, in her own words, her history of relationships wasn’t great. She’d always get to a point where her fear of intimacy would get so engulfing for her, she’d end it or he would.
She knew her potential to ‘open up’. But they had started lovemaking when all of a sudden, her body contracted. She'd felt this before. She didn’t want to go where she always used to – ignore her own feelings, go ahead with intimacy when it didn’t feel right, then feel bad afterwards and usually end up with a lot of emotion that put the future of the relationship in jeopardy. A little like what happens in ‘make up sex’ (see last month's post)
But she’d decided that she just couldn’t get into hot, hot sex anymore when her and her partner had already talked about the direction they wanted to go. He was keen to explore a new way as he also knew from past experience that it didn’t work in the end, even though it was something he could still feel driving him to a certain extent – but he could feel his spirit, his heart wanting something deeper. Good intentions sometimes don’t always work out that way – our habits and conditioning step in – a bit like “I’m not going to have chocolate and then all you do is … have chocolate!”
But it happened, she could feel it – feel his desire that felt all engulfing. Everything in her body froze. That’s when she got in touch with me. What I love about her is her willingness to look at her own issues inherent in this situation but she felt a sense of hopelessness.
"Am I doomed to never get past this point in a relationship?" was her desperate plea.
It was like she was standing at a cross road – one direction would lead to the dead end she always ended up at.
Let’s talk about desire. Desire, or rising energy, is a sacred and holy experience in itself, WHEN you remain in your own body. Not always easy. But when the other person becomes the object of your desire, that’s when things can get messy. Energetically you begin projecting yourself onto the other person, even if you don’t mean to. In a sense you are over in their territory, their space. Not truly in your own space ie. your own body. The other person, if they have not developed the ability to stay in one's own centre, can either escalate things to match your desire, or get overwhelmed and retreat.
Conversely, the one who is overwhelmed will also somehow be leaving their own 'territory' by pleasing or compromising to keep the peace.
This is the point where my friend was – caught in a double bind – “I want the relationship, but I don’t want the relationship if I feel like this."
I suggested they try some simple things that would help them to remain in their own space energetically.
1. Be Aimless Come together just for the intention of connecting, not having any goal.
2. Stay ‘Home’ Sit (or stand) opposite each other in a relaxed way. Close your eyes. Find ‘Home’ inside your own body. That is where feels good, feels like a place you can return to. For some it is your heart area, belly, chest, womb or genitals. Some can't 'find’ that place – I suggest for men, bring awareness to the area below the navel. For women, to the womb area or heart.
3. Soft eyes, smiling heart. When you feel like you have found that place, softly open your eyes, but with awareness and receptivity. That means instead of ‘looking out’ at them, ‘receive’ them through softening your eyes and into your smiling heart. A little inviting smile on your lips helps too.
Only a few hours later, I was driving and I got a text message –
“I shared with my partner, some of our conversation. He was totally open and keen to explore the exercises you suggested. We got out the Slow Sex book read up on these. Then we sat together and went in and connected with ourselves. We ended up making love and it was exquisite, the most open I have ever been and so effortless.”
When I stopped and read it, a big smile came across my dial. All I could hear in my head were the words to the song, “When a man loves a woman”. What a guy!
To me when a man loves a woman, he is willing to listen to her. When he listens, it’s like placing a keel into the deep and unknowable waters, which helps steer the vessel of their relationship. It stabilizes.
Of course, likewise, a woman needs to listen to her man. This can be a generalisation, but I notice, when it comes to sex, many men find it hard to listen.
In lovemaking, she is the barometer as she has the sensitivity and receptiveness. She senses when the wind changes. When there is too much weight in the sail and the course needs to be changed. When a woman who is in her heart senses something is not quite right, it’s a good idea to listen to her.
For the gift you will receive is her pure full-hearted body love, her exquisite radiating beauty and her most sacred sensual soul and truly, isn’t that what you’ve been seeking all along?
And if your heart feels called to this kind of connection, allow Gene and I to create the space for YOU to explore the exquisite beauty and potential of your love, come to The Making Love Retreat October 10th – 16th. We’d love to see you there.
The Slow Sex book is available here.