Have you ever been speaking with someone, and they are completely away somewhere else? Have you ever done that yourself?
Or you have been so emotionally charged about something, or so stressed that you simply are not 'here' when someone is trying to connect with you?
After many years with couples and in my own experience, I have come to observe three important keys to creating more emotional and sexual intimacy in relationships. I call them the '3 P's'.
Often, when we are not 'here', we are in our mind. Being in our thoughts and mind creates a level of absence in our relationships and doesn't typically engender emotional intimacy.
In fact it can create distance and separation that can feel really painful for the other person. What's the opposite of presence? Absence. Below are just a few of the symptoms of absence, and then what it's like when we are more present. The bridge to more 'presence', is awareness.
When we start being aware that we are in fact being quite absent in our interactions, or that we are not getting the closeness we want from our interactions with another, this key alone can start to change any relationship - with children, your spouse, your co-worker. Magic happens when you start being more 'present' to another.
Some of the qualities of Absence are - lack of connection, lack of empathy/compassion, or understanding.
Some of the qualities of Presence are - Connection, Empathy and Compassion, Understanding.
How to be more 'present'?
Start by making your body and whole being more receptive. Body language is 78% of our communication. When you face the other to actually listen to them with eye contact, authentically and actively listen, you show that you are A.R.E. - Accessable, Responsive and Engaged, as coined by leading relationship expert, Dr Susan Johnson, the founder of Emotion Focussed Therapy. Studies show that when parents are more accessable, responsive and engaged, that children are more secure. It's the same in adult relationships and this level of presence is key to creating more trust in your relationship.
This is gold. Whether you are single or partnered, this is important information.
Our bodies are like magnets with dynamic and receptive poles.
As women, we live naturally from our hearts – we’re nurturers, caregivers, we feed babies from our breasts. The breasts and heart are the place where this dynamic quality is generated in a woman’s body. Once this area is available in lovemaking, and a woman relaxes within herself, a beautiful vitality begins to resonate in her genitals, as the receptive organ in her body. This takes time. A woman’s body opens more slowly.
For a man, his dynamic quality is in his genitals, so he is more easily ready! He also needs the time to allow a shift to his receptive area in the heart, where he can connect more with his partner in love.
Over time, sex can often become genitally focused, completely missing this whole area of a woman’s and a man’s body - the heart, breasts and chest – the place that naturally evokes the feeling of love. Because this is a woman’s dynamic pole, her body can close. When this happens, a man can feel rejected and isolated and a deep grief and consequently shut down can ensue.
Awareness of these poles and giving each of them value is vitally important to honouring both the male and female sexual energetic system.
We are wired to connect. We thrive on acknowledgement. Everyone thrives on being seen and acknowledged. Children shine. And so do adults. Praising or acknowledging and appreciating the other for who they are, how they show up, puts credits into the bank account of the relationship.
But, one thing to watch – you should never praise unless you are present. Praise without presence is empty. The other will feel it if it is inauthentic or you are trying too hard.
So there’s a really good clue as to how to create this authenticity. Check whether you are doing it from the mind or from the body – where are you speaking from?
Speak from an embodied place, from your heart. Never talk from your mind. A good way to do this is imagine sinking down into your belly, imagine 'grounding' through your feet and once you feel it inside you, speak from there. It will make all the difference and it will 'land' for the other.
This can take practice, especially if it is new or if you were never praised much as a child.
Presence is the alchemy. Polarity is the gold, and Praise is the fairy dust.
All, absolutely essential for Pure Relationship Magic!
Try these 3 simple keys in your relationship and you'll will be amazed.
And if you're ready to create true magic in your intimate relationship, join us for The Making Love Retreat.
Here's just some the Praise we've received from couples about the retreat -
"The MLR is so much more than making love - It is essential deep relationship work that would be of benefit to any couple wanting to deepen their relationship. In addition to that, the deep personal transformation that unfolds is breath taking. The sharing that occurs and the relationships that develop with other couples is also truly beautiful. It would open the hearts of most people.
The location of the event is pure magic and the attention to detail by Janet, Gene and Jody was exceptional and an illustration of their love and passion.
I initially felt the retreat was quite pricey, but after attending felt it was incredible value for money and worth so much more than what we actually paid.
I'm more patient, accepting, tolerant and compassionate and more in love and understanding of my wife. I would absolutely recommend the MLR to any couple wishing to grow and flourish."
- Male, 41
"I am so grateful for having given ourselves the gift of this sacred space and time to reinvent and reinvigorate our marriage. Thank you Janet for 'walking the talk', for your loving presence, faith and guidance."