What is it to be sexually vulnerable in a relationship?
A strange question. Who wants to be sexually vulnerable? It implies being used, being abused, even being open to things that you just don't resonate with. Or going along with the current trends that are being normalised through online porn or movies. To feeling defenceless, weakness, being unprotected. To me, it doesn't mean that at all. Let's take a deeper look.
Bringing those two words together – sex and true authentic vulnerability may seem scary. And it’s a bridge that many don’t want to cross. Especially for women, but also for men. In a way though, women are already sexually vulnerable just by their very physical nature.
But to put it into the context of a relationship, being sexually vulnerable means leaving aside the 'mind games' we play to protect ourselves, to get love, to perform, or perhaps look a certain way to our partner.
It means becoming aware of all the strategies we use to get love or to manipulate another or ourselves to get the things we want for safety, security, love or power.
It means not just going through the ‘act’ of lovemaking, but fully participating, and being willing to meet any uncomfortable feelings that may arise, including pleasure!
Sexual vulnerability cannot exist without emotional vulnerability. They are two sides of the same coin. Protecting your vulnerability results in being defensive, in projecting anger or judgment, there’s a wall that you feel over your body either all the time or when you are with the other.
It means laying down your weapons, your defence mechanisms, your pride, your ego for a higher love.
It means we take the armour off and say “I don’t know how to do this, but I’m willing to try”, or “I’m feeling insecure right now about my inability to be present”. Or “I’m feeling really confronted.” ... or simply ... "My God, I am feeling so much pleasure right now and can I truly be vulnerable enough in this to fully open without needing to take it anywhere or control it, hide it or manipulate it?"
It also means speaking what’s true and real for you in any given time, even when we fear our lover will not be happy.
Or if there has been too much talking, too much being said, that is resulting in a minefield of arguments, it means - stop the talking, the mind, and return to your body.
It means being willing to allow the body to soften.
It means being willing to meet all the feelings of resistance when we are making love or moving towards making love, or feelings that come up afterwards.
It means keeping to an agreement to making time for love.
It means being willing to not have an agenda for how making love looks… to be open to the moment and how it unfolds.
Not allowing yourself to be sexually/emotionally vulnerable to a trusted lover, means that you are not willing to be present in your body. Meaning you are not willing to be present to the first most important person in your life - YOU. In fact, while it may seem that one is putting up a protective barrier to the other, the truth is that you are actually caging your own heart, even to yourself, to life.
... and hey, that's painful isn't it? When Love can't get in and Love can't get out.
The sweetest, most beautiful thing in life that makes it worth living is when you can feel love in your heart, and there are no barriers to love.
I heard recently someone say 'Love is a choice'. Being sexually vulnerable means choosing love, not choosing the other, but choosing love, and being willing to meet those inner barriers with love.
For the First time in New Zealand!
The good news is that there's no better place to be sweetly 'held' in choosing love than The Making Love Retreat. It is a place where couples get to nurture their relationshp in a private, respectful space. There is no nudity or demostrations in this retreat. It's all about opening more in love. Our next one is held in stunning New Zealand 26th April - 2nd May.
And if you are a woman and single right now or not quite ready for The Making Love Retreat, consider Woman's Body Woman's Wisdom on 28th March. Click here for more details.
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I'd love to hear how you relate to this blog. Feel free to leave a comment below.
P.S Your body is not broken. Menopause is a gateway, a privilege, a time to embrace change with grace and step into a life that is empowered, loving and alive. This is your birthright as a woman. You have been waiting for this all your life... Buy my book Tantric Sex and Menopause on Amazon AUS, Amazon US & Amazon UK.