In honour of celebrating Mother's day, I want to ask this question!
When you are a tired and busy mum, who gets time for intimacy?
As a Mum and now Grandmother, I can totally relate.
Around the time of the book launch of Tantric Sex and Menopause, I babysat my two adorable grandgirls quite a lot, aged 2 and 3. Yep, young ones...
And I had them overnight for the first time.
well... any parent or grandparent will know ... trying to get the sleep situation just perfect - so they ACTUALLY SLEEP is just a little bit of a challenge - I had this 'perfect' idea that I could sleep in my own bed and of course they will settle 'perfectly' on the lovely big single mattress I made for them at the foot of my bed ...oh no no no!
... after I finally fell asleep around, well, I'd say 1 am and many migrations between mattress and bed by all three of us before and after that, I was developing a cracking headache and aching body.
I resorted to sleeping on the single mattress, only to be joined by the 3-year-old and in the final hours the little one joined in. Ah, no ....we can't all fit across here. Alright - let's all get back into MY bed!
We finally got a few hours till we all woke around 9.30 am ... phew .. and that was the first night ...
So the second night, I thought right, let's go with the path of least resistance again - we will all sleep in the same bed - the 2-year-old lies snuggled right up to me, head against mine, and holds her little hands around my face - God what else could melt your heart? I wake around 3 and they are all sleeping peacefully ... we finally have a full night's sleep .. ah ...
But as any parent will know, Grandma's sleep deficit is kicking in and the nerves are a little frayed on the second day. Mmmm... I notice I am swearing under my breath ... well, just that little bit more... you know... I'm a nice person but ... geezus... will you stop emptying my homeopathics all over the floor!! And how did you find them anyway?
I find myself starting to talk to God ... (as you do...)
"ahem ... God ... um ... excuse me? ... (looking up of course)
have you got something wrong here?
I'm supposed to be... you know.... the tantric goddess ...?
you know ... the one lying around all day ... just relaxing and making love...?"
Ever thought to yourself... "um, is this what I signed up for?"
But this is life, isn't it?
Of course, you wouldn't change a thing - you love your children, your grandchildren, and your partner. And ... it can be intense! There's work, there is the family, the aging or unwell mother or father, the grandchildren. And then? There's the relationship - that thing that gets put way down the list. The list goes on of all the things that can get in the way of intimacy...
And then there's the pressure a woman puts on herself to perform in the bedroom. Of course, this pressure is not necessarily gender specific.
What to do when you're so strung out the last thing you want is to be sexual?
As mother's day approaches, one thing I suggest is to take the pressure off the goal.
What I have found is that the more you give the bodies the time and space to relax together, the less sexual intimacy is a big hurdle. But this does not have to be hours. It can just be 5 minutes a day to start. You have to start somewhere.
Here's my secret sauce - Your daily dose of Love - it works wonders!
So this is what I suggest. Agree to spend 5 – 15 minutes each morning and night before you get up and as you go to sleep, lying side by side facing each other. (Or just the morning after the body has relaxed through the night if you go to bed at different times.) The intention is to relax together by breathing deeply and softly while gently holding each other. And no goal for sex! You may find that it is like hugging a cardboard box to start with. This is just the layer of tension that has been built up from not being connected for a while or all the ‘doing’ of your day. Keep going, You will find the bodies will start to melt with each other effortlessly.
Just keep saying those words to yourself. Soften and relax. Soften and relax. It will work wonders for your own body and your relationship. And you will move on into your day feeling sweet, relaxed, and with love in your heart. And you never know, you might just end up making love anyway!
So ladies, give yourself a break, and guys, give her a break too - you can't always be the tantric goddess! And in fact, really, it's just an idea that puts pressure on us all. Just being truly yourself, without all the layers of expectation on self or another, will be the most attractive thing you could ever imagine.
If you know you are ready to take the next step to really deepen your relationship, and receive the most revolutionary teaching on sexuality and making love, and you are ready to lay the foundation for your relationship, come to The Making Love Retreat 14th-20th October 2018.
And ... :) it's time for Womantime! So excited - places are filling so you MUST book early to get your spot. During this retreat, you will experience many practices for feminine renewal and inner transformation, come along to Womantime Retreat 16th - 19th August 2018.
Janet is a speaker, author, and mentor, who supports women and couples to deepen their intimate relationship. She is co-presenter of The Making Love Retreat for couples in Australia. She is co-author, along with world-renowned author, Diana Richardson of Tantric Sex and Menopause, Practices for Sexual and Spiritual Renewal.
Menopause is a gateway, a privilege, a time to embrace change with grace and step into a life that is empowered, loving and alive. This is your birthright as a woman. You have been waiting for this all your life... Buy my book Tantric Sex and Menopause - Practices for Spiritual and Sexual Renewal on Amazon AUS, Amazon US & Amazon UK.