Ladies, you have permission …

Recently a couple were sitting with Gene and me, and we were discussing some of the difficulties that were confronting them in their sexual relationship at present. They were a committed pair who obviously loved each other and were devoted to a long-term relationship.

The woman’s eyes welled up with tears as we offered the suggestion to not force her body into sex at any time…. that any sense of doing it from a place of obligation is not coming from the place that is true inside herself and that perhaps there was a good reason why she was so reluctant.

My heart went out to her as I remembered this relief for myself when I began to give myself permission to NOT be what my mind had so rigorously made me have to be – that is, a ‘concept’ of the ravishing wild woman, the sensual sex goddess, the ever-ready raunchy one that fulfilled another’s fantasy or concept of what a woman is.

It seems that with all the advertising and hype around - how to get more orgasms and more sensation, more this, more that, that women are feeling the pressure … and from all directions, not only from their man but from their peers and society, to be ‘hanging from the rafters’ as this young woman put it.

The stress that women are under right now to be the performer is just too much to bear for some.  And especially those, whose bodies have been through some major events like childbirth, prolonged IVF, surgery … these events take some time for the body to bounce back from and to pile expectations on it wreaks havoc for a woman’s psyche, let alone her body. And yet it is not just this picture that can make a woman reluctant after a period of being together for some years … As Diana Richardson so eloquently puts it…

“Many a woman perceives herself as frigid because she cannot open up so quickly to a man (and because some man has told her that she is so). This is not frigidity. This is a natural reluctance to enter the sex act the way it is commonly done these days – as just another task is in a busy day, without adequate preparation. If given sufficient time, women love to make love – especially when warmed up to a full-body yes.”

The body cannot be forced. Given the right environment, it will open effortlessly and deliciously, of its own accord.

And so how to create an environment where a woman feels that ‘yes’?

First of all, any kind of pressure, either from herself or her lover, will cause her to be uptight, emotional and anxious – just going to bed will be anxiety-ridden and the last thing you need for fulfilling sex life is to be anxious! Coming making love has to be a choice – it cannot be from obligation or compromise. This is not love or loving. The thing is that the choice for a woman becomes so much easier and more enticing when the focus turns from the goal or end product to the process.

Little do women know that they actually hold the key to unlocking the mystery of unfulfilled sexual experiences – that she in fact can affect the lovemaking experience by recognising what she was born with, the inner quality of femininity, receptivity and love.

To access this, her first step is developing the art of focusing inward on herself, rather than the habitual focus on the man to please (a goal). By focusing on her own body, feeling it from within, in particular, relaxing and connecting to her inner experience, she develops the awareness of her own finer sensitive inner energy. (It goes the same for a man. As he also returns inward and stops focussing on her, he develops the masculine quality of presence.)

The automatic by-product will be that she will soon feel the energy arise within herself and then be able to connect naturally. It is from here, remaining in her own awareness, that she can access the full spectrum of woman, in all her qualities, and all the while, innocent and authentic, without the burden of ‘trying’ to be something she isn’t in that moment.

The second is to create an environment of relaxation. A woman's ability to open inwardly first as well as relax are the first two keys on the journey to a fulfilling engagement with her man and in fact, these two alone, if she remains with these in her awareness will open her up to a space where the sexual experience unfolds for itself. These two are very much in her hands.

So ladies, give yourself permission to say no … to compromise.

And instead give yourself permission to say yes to yourself and the hidden potential of Love that lives so generously within your own body, if you allow it. Take the pressure off, make the space to feel what you are feeling and let lovemaking happen – in a spacious and pressure-free zone.

And finally, what would it be like to just let go of all concepts of what a woman or a man is and just be simple, be authentic, be innocent and see what magic unfolds in the ‘not knowing’ what will come next?

If you’d like to experience the unique teaching of this conscious loving The Making Love Retreat is coming up on November 4-10. And it’s not just for couples where the woman has closed down. It’s for all couples who want to deepen their experience of love and find a renewed way of being in lovemaking. To understand more about Why Women Close down and how to open up again, click here. You can purchase books by Diana Richardson to begin or continue your journey of love.

P.S Your body is not broken. Menopause is a gateway, a privilege, a time to embrace change with grace and step into a life that is empowered, loving and alive.  This is your birthright as a woman.  You have been waiting for this all your life... Buy my book Tantric Sex and Menopause on Amazon AUS, Amazon US & Amazon UK.