You're both mutually attracted to each other. The passion has run high. But somewhere along the line, things changed. He wants it. You don't. She wants it. You don't.
Games and avoidances start to be played. One constantly moves towards the other for intimacy. And the other just wants to run a mile!
This can be the point where a relationship falls over or falters. For the intrepid traveller of inquiry and personal growth, this can be a challenge that can bring both of you either to new heights or bring you to your knees.
One that calls for a deepened maturity, the point where the one who wants to run, can meet the resistence or the one who is always moving towards, finds a way to healthily and lovingly contain (not suppress) your powerful desire to connect. Neither are wrong. That's the important thing to know. Neither.
It's good to realise that there IS NOTHING wrong with either. But how you RESPOND is what makes all the difference and will be the difference between breaking down the relationship or creating more building blocks and foundation for healthy intimacy.
In all my research in this area, one thing I keep coming back to, is that we are all made up differently biochemically. One will have a high, medium or low 'sex drive', according to how your endocrine system operates. And stress, emotional upheaval, attitude, health and your immune system can have a huge affect on this. So some bodies naturally have low testosterone, the hormone, that stimulates the sex energy. Some have high testosterone. And for women, estrogen levels are an influencing factor. Anyone with immune problems will often have a lower sex drive, due to the deficiency in the kidneys, the place where, in chinese medicine, is the source of our chi, or energy.
The good news is - IT DOESN'T MATTER!! In the Making Love Approach, it is of NO consequence where you sit on this scale of desire. And there are several key steps that can help you step through that threshold to more loving intimacy.
- DECISION. First you need to decide what you really want. Do you want to create harmony and love in your relationship or not? Trust me, if you decide, and not run the usual resistence, then you will be rewarded over and over. If you do not, then you will never know the pure potential of love. Caveat: of course, if you are completely not in alignment with the other person, then don't go there. If yes, then read on.
- COME HOME. Too often, because we feel we are not getting our needs met for safety or for intimate connection, we focus on the other to provide those needs. Growing a mature relationship, means that you literally ENERGETICALLY PULL BACK from the other person and back into YOU. NOTE I am NOT saying pull AWAY - it's just bringing your energy back inside YOU. Often the one who is the moving towards type will go to the other extreme, and will ignore the other as a way of pulling back, and just be absent. That's not what I'm saying. While you are over in the others space, you are literally crowding them. But you want to remain PRESENT, not ABSENT. For the one who pulls away, it's not so much about moving towards the other. It's about moving back into YOU. How do we do that?
- FIND YOUR ANCHOR. You will be drained if you give from a place of need. So come home by finding a place in YOUR BODY that feels good. It might be your heart, your solar plexus, or it could be your lower pelvic area. If you find it hard, think of something or someone that makes you feel happy, literally. A child, a pet, a sunset, your lover. This will bring you more into your heart state.
- LUST OR PASSION? Diana Richardson says, 'As I understand it, lust and passion are two different states. Lust will have a direction, a build up, some climax. Passion on the other hand is pure presence and going nowhere, relaxed, senses totally open, nothing forced.' Try and let go of the need to 'be' passionate or lustful. Pure presence will bring about an organic passion that will be natural, alive and sustaining.
- TUNE INTO YOUR MAGNETIC POLE. One of the cornerstones of Tantra is that male and female are equal yet opposite and this extends to the level of our genitals. For females the postive or energy raising pole is the breasts, the nipples in particular. For males, it is the perieneum. Too often, sex, over time, becomes genital focussed, which completely ignores the upper part of the female body. If each can tune in, bring presence and awareness to these centres, and create the space for the bodies to totally relax, this can transform your experience from frustration to life-sustaining inner joy.
A healthy, loving relationship does not just drop out of the sky. It takes awareness, willingness and kindness to be the intrepid traveller of love. But these simple steps can be helpful hints along the way.
If you'd like to know more and be in the space where you can be supported to create this kind of intimacy, and give you tools that you use for the rest of your life, come to our next Making Love Retreat - 17-25th March 2020. Call Janet for any questions on 0428 726 849. Enjoy your day!!
P.S Your body is not broken. Menopause is a gateway, a privilege, a time to embrace change with grace and step into a life that is empowered, loving and alive. This is your birthright as a woman. You have been waiting for this all your life... Buy my book Tantric Sex and Menopause on Amazon AUS, Amazon US & Amazon UK.