Men and Sexual Vulnerability

‘What she doesn’t see is how unsafe it feels to move towards her. It feels so vulnerable and unsafe to take that risk of feeling rejection again. It’s torture to feel that rejection... again. So, I’m trying to make it as sensitive as I can and be vulnerable. But when I’m not even touched, I land with a thud. It’s excruciating.’

A well of emotion rose in me as I was hearing the other side of this conundrum from a male perspective. I've been there. I've been that woman. The one who doesn't want to touch. Because any touch can be interpreted as 'she wants sex'.

And that's the thing. There's that double bind. For women and for men.

For women - If I touch him he will want sex, so I hold back, even though I love him. If I hold back my love, we both miss out.

For men - If I approach her again, I risk rejection. If I don't approach her, she won't come my way.

This is where things can start to become messy and unintentional hurts start to create little landmines of pain for both.

It can become the silent sabateur in relationships. That seed of misunderstanding gets planted in the soil of unconsciousness. And suppression of anything can create a festering of emotions - distance, loneliness, anger, frustration, depression, despair.

In defense, we leave our hearts and enter the world of the conflict mind. The 'he should, she should, he shouldn't, she shouldn't' and leave that place that brought us together in the first place - the heart. Well sometimes it is lust that brings us together. Either way, I've seen this many times - whether it be one week, one year or years after, this mismatching in our desires and a lack of understanding about what to do about it, can create so much hurt and years of resentment, bitterness, and suffering. On both sides, understandably.

There is a pathway for moving more toward the heart and here are a few things that can help along the way:-

1. Remove the blame. This is not a you and the other issue. I never see it as 'her' fault or 'his' fault. It is a male/ female sexual conditioning issue. The result of a lack of understanding of our bodies and sexual energy. It's less personal and more universal.
2. Be humble and acknowledge each other - 'Of course, you feel hurt. I understand and it's not what I want for you or for us.'
3. Do the inner work on softening any hardness or bitterness that has created a shell around your heart.
4. Don't settle for - 'well I don't feel desire, so I won't go there.' As Diana Richardson said one time, 'Desire is overrated'. Lust is overrated. You don't need desire - you just need to be willing to be present. To be present in your body and in your heart.

The more we as women and men, can truly see and understand that fundamentally, we each are yearning for connection and love, yet may not be so skilled at expressing it, the more we can open our hearts in compassion for each other. For the tenderness and vulnerability that lies at the heart of our experience. And it's this tenderness and vulnerability that is key to creating the emotional intimacy needed to move into sexual intimacy that is fulfilling and sustaining.

To understand more and if you'd like to step onto this pathway of creating authentic intimacy, I am holding a One Day Retreat for Couples CREATING INTIMACY - A DAY FOR COUPLES - Noosa, Qld Saturday 22nd July 2023 

Come and enjoy a weekend in beautiful Noosa, Qld, and attend this day of creating and deepening intimacy for you as a couple. Helping you create the love you want so you can reconnect with ease, disagreements can fall away and the tension is taken out of your intimate relationship. Read more here.