Reconnecting after P*rn

A friend told me once that 'normal' is a cycle on a washing machine.

In my day, p*rn was something hidden under beds and at the back of TVs. Static pictures in magazines. Often not even known about by women and discovered after a good cleanout.

It's old news that this industry has exploded with the advent of the internet, so much so that generations now see it as 'normal' to use porn as part of their sexual lives. Let alone it being used by some 85% of boys by the age of 16, much less so for girls.

In adult relationships, while this may be seen as a bit of fun, behind closed doors, in reality over the long term, I see it over and over that it does not end well. That's if a couple wants an authentic deepened relationship.

Whether you agree with it or not, it creates a third entity in a relationship. This takes us into new territory. And often certain symptoms show up that create disconnection. A man can go to two extremes - one, he can completely withdraw from the relationship and not approach her sexually. Sometimes this has been after a period of trying to connect with her and he feels rejected so he turns to porn. Or, he has a 'hunting' type of energy, always wanting sex. Which unfortunately has the opposite effect on women. They feel repelled. This sets up more rejection for him.

The heartening thing is that the younger couples I work with in their 30s and 40s who willingly give up this practice, find the effect can change the relationship positively overnight. Of course, this applies to all ages.

For some though, it can take longer. Generally speaking, for most women, I do notice a rejection of this practice and when they ask their partners to abstain and he does, men cannot understand why she doesn't suddenly want to open up to him sexually. And women can't understand why they have no desire. Or their desire has waned.

So why doesn't a woman automatically feel desire or automatically want sex after her partner has stopped using porn or stopped a lot of masturbating?

The thing is it is not always that simple for women. Sex is connected to her heart. It has to start there. She has an abundance of love. And when there is disappointment, it can affect her heart, and her heart is directly connected to her desire.

She's devastated because, even if she has had a healthy sexual desire, his use of p*rn can be like a little nail in the coffin to that desire. So the return of that desire or interest can take time.

Because the past use of porn or masturbation is often loaded with disappointment for her, the third party so to speak. She feels that she is not enough for him. She can't understand. So it takes time for her to process it all.

So there's a lag time after he stops because for a woman, every time she knows or has a sense that p*rn is being used or a lot of masturbation, it's a little death.

It's a little more rejection, more sadness, more hurt. It's sad because men often don't understand the effect this can have on a relationship.

We have to remember that everything is energy. P*rn use or intense masturbation can create agitation and disturbance in the energetic system and also affect one's emotionality, which has a direct effect on the environment of the relationship.

So there is a lag time for the woman to start to trust him again.

The key is for him to move into more presence because any use of p*rn or any use of masturbation makes him absent.

It makes him goal-oriented, which moves him away from his body and his heart, and that's what she's looking for, is connection. So allow time for this to happen.

After a period of use, women need a lot of reassurance. They need time to start trusting again, and the medicine for that is presence.

The medicine is for a man to learn how to be present, how to be in his body, and how to bring your sexual energy back inside, rather than always projecting it out. And also for women, for us to be more present, so that we're not just in this over pleasing, over giving mode, we're bringing our energy back inside so that we can be more present and presence creates connection, which creates love.

Here are some strategies men can use to manage the effects of porn and masturbation on their energy and relationships:

1. Reduce or eliminate porn and masturbation.

2. Practice mindfulness and presence during sexual intimacy. Instead of seeking high excitement and friction, focus on creating a relaxed, connected experience with your partner.

3. Increase non-sexual affection and physical touch. I recommend daily hugging, cuddling, and other affectionate gestures to help build trust and security in the relationship.

4. Read books like "Wired for Love" by Stan Tatkin to learn about creating a secure, stable relationship dynamic.

5. Communicate openly with your partner about your needs for intimacy and connection. Work together to find ways to meet both partners' needs.

The key is shifting from an absent, tension-driven approach to sex, to a more present, relaxed, and connected style of intimacy. This can help manage the negative effects of excessive porn and masturbation. The Making Love Retreat, held in Noosa, Queensland, Australia, is a 6-day retreat where couples are immersed in practices that increase body awareness, how to move from goal-driven sex to lovemaking that nourishes the relationship.

"Meeting you has been a blessing for two souls who lost their way in their struggle to survive. You drew a map, then called us softly, the glow of your campfire in the bush, you showed us how to get there, to RETURN. To a beloved, familiar place. Which we couldn't have done alone. Our infinite love and gratitude. In your own pain, you acknowledged ours - and healing began. It seems, for us all."

This poetic offering, is from a couple who have been together for 60 years, since they were teens, at the recent Making Love Retreat. The retreat is for young and old. Couples in their 20's to their 80's. All are welcome.

Read more here to book your space to transform your relationship into a reality.