Teens in a Porn-soaked Culture

I had the privilege of speaking publicly to 35 parents of the local Noosa Steiner School on Saturday.

Having 3 granddaughters now, two of them around the 7-8 year-old mark, we are concerned. And so any responsible parent should be.

Warning: The following may be disturbing to read, so if you have had trauma and abuse, please be mindful of whether or when you read on further. Or scroll down to the Resources section.

We are traversing frontier territory, one that no other parenting generation has had to face. Now with the use of phones and technology, which is advancing faster than imaginable, any conscious parent wants to know what we can possibly do to assuage this onslaught of content and social influencing.

Voted as one of the top 100 most influential women in the world, Melinda Tankard Reist, who I referred to in my TEDx talk, speaks to thousands of students around Australia on the effect of porn. She says that in the last year, 2022, she heard the worst and most extreme stories from students, and the last three months of last year were the worst ever.

Melinda is the founder of Collective Shout, a not-for-profit organisation that stands against sexploitation.

In her recently published book, He Chose Porn Over Me, (also available On Amazon) she recounts story after story of lives, relationships, and families ruined by the effects of porn. Something that is simply ‘entertainment’ is not so innocent anymore. Was it ever? When it promotes violence such as gagging, choking, and slapping and the first thing some boys have been reported as doing is choking a girl when he gets to have sex with her. As an adult sex educator, this type of sex education is beyond appropriate. And sets up this generation as one who could be facing complex trauma in the future.

Melinda says that sexual moaning is on the rise in schools among students as young as Year 4, in school rooms and school buses, intimidating girls and female teachers.

How are we as a society unconsciously condoning this? In our bid for free expression, to be all accepting and all-inclusive, are we inviting the extreme of liberties that are actually colluding with the use of violence to entertain?

Have we become so numb and desensitised even as adults to the effect that we are normalising something that is having a profound effect on the mental health of our children and their future relationships? Clearly, we need to think more deeply if we do NOT want to contribute to the mental health crisis our society is facing right now.

Dr Anita Elias is a specialist in sexual medicine. In this interview, she says, 

"I've been working in this area for about 20 years and I've noticed that more and more young women are coming along complaining that sex is painful. We're not talking about a one-off. We're talking about conditions that progressively can get worse and worse. And there are a number of conditions that lead to ongoing chronic pain that can actually make having sex impossible.

I think porn is setting up unrealistic expectations. The young people I'm seeing think that what they see in porn is real-life sex, and of course, it's not. Anal sex is much more common, but also more aggressive acts, slapping, sometimes hitting hair pulling, things like ejaculating on their faces and expecting them to enjoy that very clearly.

When it comes to sex, I don't think you can separate the mind and the body. You can't have enjoyable pain-free sex unless you are turned on. The problem is that if they're doing the things their partners see in porn. But if they're not enjoying it, then that can lead to lack of arousal. And that can lead to pain. And if that continues, it can actually lead to a pain condition that can be ongoing." 

Pain in intercourse can happen at any stage and is often seen as something experienced by older women, but this indicates that the high friction, hard style of sex just does not work for women or girls.

RESOURCES

But there is hope. There are now a growing number of resources and many wonderful professionals offering support for parents and teachers.

COOL SEX

The COOL SEX book, An Essential young adult guide to loving, mindful sex by Diana Richardson and Wendy Doeleman is an excellent guide based on the teachings of The Making Love Retreat. It is written for the ages from 15 - 25 and provides very clear and easy to understand explanations that young people can easily relate to. This book is very current and is gender inclusive. Many adults would benefit from the very clear and simple explanation it provides.

Michelle Mitchell

One of the very best resources I found in terms of dealing with your Teens and Tweens was Michelle Mitchell's website - https://michellemitchell.org/

Technology

As we know the use of technology is the major pathway for influencing our kids. Here is the list of suggestions from Michelle:-

1. Create crystal clear agreements - the parent has an agreement that they sign. The child has an agreement that they sign. This is drawn up through discussion, but Michelle has an excellent sample agreement for both in her book - Parenting Teenage Girls in the age of the new Normal.
2. Time restrictions - make clear times that they can be on phones and computers
3. Set up your modem so that each person in the house has a different passcode and has access to only certain content.
4. Have computers in common areas - never in their own room.
5. Phones are a privilege - not to give them as a gift. Because gifts cannot be taken away easily.
6. Insist on transparency.

It's Time We Talked - Maree Crabbe

This is also another excellent site and Things to know about Porn and Young people is a great page to share with your teens about the reality of porn. I recommend going to the Download page and downloading all the free Parent Tipsheet PDFs on all aspects to support your teen on this topic here. 

Other good references - Page for Parents   Page for Young people  Parent and Teacher Resources

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In all my research and contemplation of the effects of porn, I have come to the conclusion that the problems it presents have been problems all along. That the basic dynamic of dominance and submission has been a part of our history. And while this may provide some entertainment and excitement, it is not reality and it rarely ends well over time. I see this in my clinic and in my workshops and retreats. Women and men, recovering from the effects of unconscious, unloving, dominating, and sometimes violent acts that leave them traumatised and fearful. At the every least, recovering from sex that is just plain unconscious, even without realising it.

The sad thing is that LOVE is rarely spoken of when we talk about sex. And that even love itself has been distorted in romantic films. So we have at one end the distortion of love in the film industry and at the other end a distortion of sex in the porn industry.

My vision is to bring these two aspects into reality, into alignment with one another, to shake the tree of our unconscious sexual conditioning and bring them to balance so that our bodies, our psyches, and our hearts can mend and embrace a new vision of relationship and love.

One of the best ways I know of to really start to understand what a loving sexual relationship is and to be able to demonstrate that to our kids, is through The Making Love Retreat. The most common comment I receive on the first day of every retreat is 'Why are we not taught this in schools?"

One day, I truly hope it is.

If you're interested in The Making Love Retreat join me for a free 30-minute no-obligation chat. Go here to book.