One of the biggest complaints I hear from couples in The Making Love Retreat and from clients is that they are time poor. ‘We want to make love but we just don’t have the time.’
It is true that fulfilling lovemaking does require time. But when we do finally make love we are often in a hurry to get it over and done with, to get to the end, the goal, the orgasm.
Always striving towards something in a hurried way often means we are not really present. We are ahead of ourselves. Also if we don’t orgasm, with the downward release of energy, then we think it’s not really sex.
Women are in distress
When this happens, so many women are in distress when the orgasm does not show up, and many men are often silently worried when they finish sooner than they would like.
Many men who love their woman feel like a failure that she has not been satisfied enough. In one way it can be true, as women do need more time for their bodies to really reach a place for the orgasmic experience to flower within them.
Truthfully, more and more, we see men also in distress as they are striving to reach for the elusive erection.
The instinctive desire to ‘go for’ orgasm is so ingrained into our psyche through thousands of years of conditioning. And of course, why not! It feels so good and is so beautiful that it makes it harder to imagine that there may be another way of making love.
Essentially we have lost knowledge as humans that there are alternatives to lovemaking that go beyond the reproductive form of sex to be able to reach higher states of love and deepen the connection between two human beings. Therefore the expression of our sexual energy walks a narrow path where we start this way and end that way.
The result of always forcing the sexual energy to reach a certain goal means that we miss out on discovering the exquisite capacity for our genitals to ‘make love’. It sounds strange – the genitals make love? Yes, because we have become so fixed in our ideas of sex, humans have lost touch with our natural body intelligence. Because sex has become an outward, extroverted experience, forcing the sexual energy in a certain direction, we are actually creating more tension in the body system. The genitals become less sensitive, and thus we crave more sensation. But when the bodies and genitals are allowed time to just be with each other in a non-goal oriented way, they start to have a way of their own. They start to create more love.
If we want to switch our bodies around to making love in a way that actually opens us in more love, it helps to divert the energy inward instead of expelling it through orgasm and tense lovemaking. This means cooling lovemaking down enough to allow that same energy to start recirculating within the body. This happens as we create the space for the bodies and genitals to relax, without the compulsion of orgasm. Instead of it being released, it is spread deliciously through the body. This does not mean that orgasm and ejaculation are out of bounds. It’s just that you are creating space for that same energy to move more freely through the body. And it means that you are more 'at choice' as to whether you do or not, rather than it being a spontaneous release 'beyond your control' so to speak. The result is incredible calmness of being as tensions, both emotional and physical, dissipate. The health benefits are amazing. You can read more about those benefits in my blog post Need a Hug.
The Daily Dose of Love
But all of this does depend on making the time for love. And of course, we don’t always have the time for lovely long lovemaking. So I always suggest to couples to have their ‘daily dose of love’.
So this is what I suggest is spend 5 – 15 minutes morning and night before you get up and as you go to sleep, lying side by side facing each other. The intention is to relax together by breathing deeply and softly while gently holding each other – no bear hugs! As women’s bodies are so sensitive, we need a lovely porous kind of hug, and so do men actually. You may find that it is like hugging a cardboard box to start with! This is just the layer of tension that has been built up from all the ‘doing’ of your day. Keep going, You will find the bodies will start to melt with each other effortlessly. Soften and relax. Soften and relax. Just keep saying those words to yourself. It will work wonders for your relationship. And you never know, you might just end up making love anyway!
If you're single
I always feel aware of speaking to single people as well because I know not all of us are in partnerships. I have some lovely female friends who when we get together, we often lie around huddled close together chatting - this is so good for us. And if this is not an option, male or female, make sure you are getting CONSCIOUS TOUCH from a bodyworker who has the sensitivity to invite your body to relax deeply into yourself - it's not a fast rub down - it is conscious slow touch. Cranio sacral work is magic.
And for couples, The Making Love Retreat is a 6-day live in retreat held in the hinterland of the Sunshine Coast, created by Diana Richardson, author and pioneer of the Slow Sex movement.
The next one is 19th - 25th March 2017.
"When we relax down into our sexual energy, instead of building it up to a peak and then releasing it, the outcome will be more life energy and more love. In re-directing sexual energy through relaxation, we can turn it inward and upward, where it is automatically re-absorbed by the body and re-circulated.
Tantra refers to this step as placing a foot on the first step of the inner ladder of growth. In time, the neglected energy pathway forges its way open in the core of the body, and we experience this from the genitals upward as a streaming electromagnetic current, a glorious golden light phenomenon. When we encourage the spiritual phase of sex instead of obstructing it as we do in our ignorance, lovemaking becomes a sacred experience filled with wonder." - Diana Richardson
For more information about the Making Love Retreat and what couples are saying CLICK HERE
P.S Your body is not broken. Menopause is a gateway, a privilege, a time to embrace change with grace and step into a life that is empowered, loving and alive. This is your birthright as a woman. You have been waiting for this all your life... Buy my book Tantric Sex and Menopause on Amazon AUS, Amazon US & Amazon UK.