I was speaking with a client the other day, who was completely confused at what happened when she was dating a man she actually really liked. They had only been going out a short time – a few dates and they made love a couple of times. It was 'delicious' as she said. Her whole being wanted to be with him and she was looking forward to the next time.
Which was lovely – at his home, he made dinner, candle lights. They made love. She had to work the next day so she left after making love.
Then after that he just suddenly decided that he had to end it, that he wouldn’t be good for her etc ….
She felt confused, perplexed, slightly upset at finally finding a man she felt an attraction to.
I was intrigued at the suddenness of it and I asked if she could share her story of what exactly happened.
Well when we got deeper into it, the story goes that he orgasmed but she didn’t – he did everything he could to ‘get’ her to orgasm and she was fine not orgasming, but soon after she told him she had to go home.
That made complete sense to me. When you look at conventional sex, there’s a lot for men to ‘do’.
First of all, he has to get her interested. (That's during or after the candle lit dinner!) Then he has to make sure she’s aroused. Then he has to make sure he maintains his erection. Then he has to make sure he enters her before his erection goes down. Then he has to try to not ejaculate before her. Then he has to make sure they come together. And if she doesn’t orgasm after all that? Well that’s just too hard to face for most men.
He didn’t do his ‘job’. And sometimes women wonder why men lose their erections!
So after all that stress, she leaves. I imagine that he interprets that as rejection so before she can reject him more, he calls it off.
And she really really liked him!
So ladies, let’s be compassionate in this whole sexual arena and recognise that men can feel the pressure of performing and pleasing you as much as you can feel it.
My tips for this week:-
Encourage him to let go of the goals and enjoy the present moment through conscious touch and movement, and you will automatically go slow.
Let him know not to stress at all if his erection goes down. If you both relax, it will come back in it's own time.
Move from being tense in lovemaking to being relaxed – the bodies will respond.
Cool lovemaking instead of hot hot hot. It gives time for a woman's body to open and for a man to relax more and do less.
Diana Richardson and Michael Richardson say in Tantric Sex for Men "To relax in sex, a man needs to be encouraged to abandon the idea that he, as a man, is 100 % responsible for the quality of shared sexual experience, whether it is very good, quite good, or unsatisfactory"
And ladies, remember - men are sensitive – let’s not forget that – they may not always show it but they feel just as much as women do. Just in a different way.
I'd love to hear how this resonates for you and if it was helpful. And remember The Making Love Retreat is 20-26th Sept so it's coming up fast. Book now to enjoy finding out more about this amazing subject and actually get the chance to experience The Making Love Approach first hand.
P.S Your body is not broken. Menopause is a gateway, a privilege, a time to embrace change with grace and step into a life that is empowered, loving and alive. This is your birthright as a woman. You have been waiting for this all your life... Buy mine and Diana's book Tantric Sex and Menopause on Amazon AUS, Amazon US & Amazon UK.
The words sex and menopause have been two of the most taboo subjects.
Add the word Tantra to that and it goes further. There is a great misunderstanding of what the word Tantra really means.
It can conjure up being naked in a room with strangers, partner swapping, and so on. But this has given tantra a bad rap. The word Tantra is a Sanskrit word meaning 'to expand'.
Most sex is not...
The last two years of a worldwide pandemic and lockdowns have been unprecedented in our modern lives. Never before have we been confronted with extreme mental health issues, and exploding numbers of trauma, anxiety, depression, and sadly, suicides.
The other sad victim of this crisis is our relationships. And in particular the intimate relationship.
Covid was a time of extremes - of polarities. Some relationships have ended. Others are still hanging, but...
The fear that most men live with, how women can influence men's experience of lovemaking, understanding our unconscious sexual conditioning, why we don't need to wait for desire to make love ...
These are just some of the topics covered in this wonderful interview by Sarah Rose Bright of The Sexy Life Podcast with one of the world luminaries on Conscious Sex and the author of 8 books, Diana Richardson. Diana...
Each one of us exists and is conceived, through the actual act of making love.
That 'act' may be less than loving at times. But if we fathom the idea that something that has been labeled as wrong, as shameful in just about every religion in the world, even to the point that celibacy is celebrated as a path to enlightenment, the whole of humanity is shrouded by this blanket of...
Twenty years ago, we never heard the term, 'Narcissist'.
Only in myths. Now everyone is talking about Narcissism, and thank god it's happening. I think it's been the hidden cause of serious relationship problems and sadly, abuse that has been left unchecked. But the narcissist can be right under our own roof. The more subtle ones. I wish I knew this in my 20's.
Like anything there is a spectrum, from the...
My third grandchild, Isla Rose was born last week. I was waiting in the wings, looking after her two 6 and 8-year-old sisters. I wouldn't want to be anywhere else.
After about a week, the anticipation of the birth and then subsequent relief at all being well, seeing Mum and bub and the whole family doing great, I could feel something inside going, 'ok, time for me'. That edge of...