There’s something I’ve observed over my decades of life that is having me fascinated lately.
The couples I know that have had lasting and secure love over many years have all had something in common.
These couples would always be attentive to each other, always sit together or be in close contact at gatherings, always be cueing each other and watch out for each other.
I used to wonder if they were a little ‘co-dependant’, relied on each other too much, perhaps even a bit controlling.
I remember one couple vowing that they would never talk about the other or their relationship in a negative way, that any disturbances would be dealt with within the relationship (or with assisted professional help).
I always loved being around these couples, because there was no drama. You could feel their bubble – you were on the outside, but they were always so gracious in including others in their banter and conversation.
Well, this, according to the latest relationship neuroscience, is actually a thing. These couples are neurologically pairing their brains for safety and security. And creating a Couple Bubble, a protective space around themselves, each other and the relationship, a space where they could share and trust the other to listen to their vulnerabilities, insecurities, concerns or just enjoy daily general sharing of conversations. This term has been coined by Stan Tatkin, author of Wired for Love.
Whether conscious or not, these couples have an agreement, of tethering to each other, staying in contact, in a way, that helps each other feel more secure and safe.
This way, they can tackle their lives with more resilience and more bravery, more confidence knowing that each other had their backs. No matter what childhood background they had, the relationship would provide, and sometimes heal, an insecure childhood or upbringing.
This is called secure functioning. On the other hand, insecure functioning sets up a biological threat response in each other, where couples begin to anticipate all things the other does will hurt.
Generally, these couples are not so skilled at repairing hurt so they accrue a sense of injustice and unfairness because there are no resources for the relationship – it feels too dangerous.
A good place to start is to decide to agree on creating your relationship as the first go-to place, the place where you can rest with each other and support each other, repair quickly if hurts arise, as they will, and reassure each other along the way. This has a profound effect on the nervous system and creates a solid foundation for each other’s lives and families.
As I read more of Stan Tatkin's book and learnt more during the recent Attachment theory of Relationships course I attended at the end of 2019, I felt constantly affirmed and was celebrating how much The Making Love Retreat and what I teach in my one on one couple mentoring, is already creating secure loving for couples. How the suggestions that Stan Tatkin makes are already aligned with the whole course, beginning with creating presence.
So I am super excited to be sharing this amazing retreat with you once again this year. If there was ever an event that could steer the ship of your relationship in the right direction, The Making Love Retreat would be one.
I love opening up a 30 minute time slot to couples that are interested. Click here to make a time for us to chat.
2020. The year of crumbling, also the year of opening. Opening doors that were perhaps closed.
Intimacy is about opening doors. Doors that have been shut for too long. Doors that need a little prying open. Doors that need the hinges oiled with love and understanding, so they open more easily.
Never before has the human connection been more important than now. The heart, compassion, understanding, empathy, even more potently needed. We...
This one. Me, 23, in Rockhampton in 1984.
A few months later my whole life was about to be turned upside down. I was having a heap of fun, had the best job ever. Art teacher at Rocky Girls Grammar. So good. Never really had any aspirations. Was just like a leaf floating along the river of life.
It’s been years and years since I’ve allowed myself time to r e a l l y, t r u l y, w h o l e h e a r t e d l y relax.
Cortisol levels rising before, during and after menopause make anxiety a very real thing for many mid-life women. So delicate is a woman’s hormonal system it makes times like these a must for us to maintain balance.
This is becoming common knowledge now but when I was researching for our book, Tantric Sex and Menopause almost 5 years ago, no one was talking about it.
For years I have written about women closing down sexually. I'm kind of known for it.
But the thing is that men close down too. We all do - it is not necessarily gender specific.
It's just that men usually have naturally high testosterone, rising by 800% in a boy's teens, which makes him highly sexually driven, also give that it is his dymanic pole, in a Tantric sense.
Testosterone can remain high until his 50's - 60's and still quite a reasonable level into his 70's, as long as he is healthy.
But some men find that they have absolutley no drive for sex and no erection at all, even at younger ages - 30's - 40's. And the heart breaking thing is - like women, is that they don't want to be closed....
There's an acceleration of consciousness sweeping the planet right now. Can you feel that?
Things that were 'fringe' 30 years ago are now mainstream.
Conversations that were behind closed doors are now open and in the nightly news - abuse, depression, anxiety, sex offenders and narcissistic leaders being called out etc etc.
The world is now wanting authenticity. Not a glossed version of 'I have it all together' - it's about realness.
There's one real conversation that I am glad is being had now too and it's about another change - 'the' change - yes the change women go through anywhere from their late 30's, 40's, 50's. Menopause, peri-menopause.
There's nothing more real than your body changing unexpectedly or even gradually - looking down at it and seeing what once was up is now down!