Return to LOVE

I see it with some women after relationship losses or long periods of being in a relationship.
The pull to be bitter is seductive. If you weaken, you will be sucked into its sticky web.

Don’t do it.
It’s not who you are.
You are love.

And whatever you can do to swim against those waves that want to take you out into that dark sea of bitterness or lament, to scramble back onto that shore of love, do it.

It may take time and all the strength you have to go for higher ground. Do it.

Or you will surely lose yourself.

If you don’t, it can take a long time to find ‘you’ again. To have to sift through the rubble of heartbreak years on, the rubble of long-lost dreams and of unawakened and futile hopes. For bitterness can become crusty if left in the body for too long. It can become toxic. It can freeze you in time, become harsh on your face and show up in your body as brittle or manifest in self-loathing. Don’t become hard. Or even collapsed for too long. It’s not who you are.

Be courageous and seek to uncover the underbelly of it. Perhaps anger, sadness, rejection, loss, meaninglessness. Be with THESE. Hold these feelings tenderly while honouring the story, the soul's story, without obsessing over and over into their storyline.

If anger, walk it, shake it, speak it, shout it in the privacy of your car, write it, draw it, paint it. There might be a time to be angry but not to live in it continuously day after day. Anger in its purest form can only last for a few seconds but when we add our thinking and ruminating to it over time it can turn sour in our system, and turn into bitterness and resentment. 

Nelson Mandela once said, ‘Resentment is like drinking poison and then hoping it will kill your enemies.’

Sadness, rejection, loss, heartbreak, trauma. Give these feelings a voice until there are no words left but silence.

And then ... Just be. Find the light in your surroundings. And go towards that.

In the end, you have to just stop fighting reality. To come to an acceptance of what is.

And as time goes by, as sure as the tide will go out, it will leave you.  Suddenly you will notice your heart has become quiet. Still. Silent. Compassionate.

Its gifts will be left on the shore of love to find. Find that one resilient shell that can symbolise who you are. The one that has been weathered by the crushing seas of life. Yet still there. Still here.

SS. Still Standing. Still LOVE.

That is your only mission now.  


And then eventually, all can be well. All will be well.


For some, unresolved trauma can be key to this bitterness, or fear. I'd like to invite you to an important and dynamic conversation coming up on 16th September.

Sex after sexual trauma is a taboo subject but it's a conversation that must be had. One doesn't have to have had major sexual trauma to be affected, simply by the sheer unconsciousness and lack of education around making love and sexuality in general.

One very courageous woman who is opening up this conversation is the Documentary filmmaker of Did I choose my Trauma? and TEDx speaker, Yemi Penn.

Yemi asks the important question, 'How can we respond to trauma with passion and courage?'

Yemi is a dynamic passionate woman and I am humbled and honoured to be supporting her mission as a guest on her webinar 'Sex after Sexual Trauma'. Having worked in this area for almost 15 years now, and in my own personal experience, I have been astounded at the level of healing that is available when we change the way we make love and are more informed.

Please join us for what will be a rich and insightful conversation on 16th Sept in Australia, 15th Sept in UK, and US. Link here.



The Road Back to Intimacy

The Road Back to Intimacy

I've seen a lot in my almost 40 years of personal growth and more than 20 years of psychotherapy.

The changes, the trends, the breakthroughs in relationship and trauma theory have reshaped therapeutic environments. And I've seen a lot in my time of exploration into the subject of sexuality and relationship I can tell you.

And, what I have witnessed and been prey to at times, in the name of 'personal growth'...

Read more »

Making Love your Priority

When the lovely, Luanne Mareen, in her Answering the Call of Your Purpose series, interviewed me recently, she prompted me to ponder my purpose. It did make me contemplate what led me to do what I do.

I really believe our 'purpose' is more simple than we think. It's just the avenue or the pathway through which we live that purpose that can vary, according to our life circumstances. Whether...

Read more »

Are you in love or fear?

Are you in love or fear?

It's a crazy time right now. In Australia, the level of fear in the air seems to be heightening. There's an agitation, a fragility in many. Are you being pulled into it or are you able to remain buoyant?

This low-level anxiety affects our nervous systems and ultimately can affect our relationships. We are at survival in some ways. And our primal brain (survival brain) responds to this fight-flight. Stress and...

Read more »

How can I reach her?

I often hear men say, when they speak about sexual intimacy, "It's her problem, not my problem. I want it. She doesn't".

Well, it's not that simple! And it's not her fault, and it's not his fault. There is a lot at play here.

In this video I am primarily speaking to men. But roles can always be reversed. Sometimes it is the man who is retreating from sexual intimacy, so I...

Read more »

Mindful Menopause

Mindful Menopause

My daughter took this photo in Melbourne early in 2020.

Contemplating my beautiful journey with her as a mother made me think of something that happened as she grew up. To be honest this is a little hard to admit! But for the sake of any woman approaching perimenopause, well, here I go ...

One day when she was 12, and I was 42, I found myself behaving like a crazy woman...

Read more »

Transforming sex into Love

'Why can I not reach her anymore?'. This is the question so many men are asking me lately.

I am seeing a change in men generally these days. Their bewilderment engenders humility. Their hearts are aching to love and to see their partner shine again.

I see this in their faces as they arrive on the first night of the Making Love Retreat, downhearted and confused. Sometimes years of tears ready...

Read more »