I was speaking with a client the other day, who was completely confused at what happened when she was dating a man she actually really liked. They had only been going out a short time – a few dates and they made love a couple of times. It was 'delicious' as she said. Her whole being wanted to be with him and she was looking forward to the next time.
Which was lovely – at his home, he made dinner, candle lights. They made love. She had to work the next day so she left after making love.
Then after that he just suddenly decided that he had to end it, that he wouldn’t be good for her etc ….
She felt confused, perplexed, slightly upset at finally finding a man she felt an attraction to.
I was intrigued at the suddenness of it and I asked if she could share her story of what exactly happened.
Well when we got deeper into it, the story goes that he orgasmed but she didn’t – he did everything he could to ‘get’ her to orgasm and she was fine not orgasming, but soon after she told him she had to go home.
That made complete sense to me. When you look at conventional sex, there’s a lot for men to ‘do’.
First of all, he has to get her interested. (That's during or after the candle lit dinner!) Then he has to make sure she’s aroused. Then he has to make sure he maintains his erection. Then he has to make sure he enters her before his erection goes down. Then he has to try to not ejaculate before her. Then he has to make sure they come together. And if she doesn’t orgasm after all that? Well that’s just too hard to face for most men.
He didn’t do his ‘job’. And sometimes women wonder why men lose their erections!
So after all that stress, she leaves. I imagine that he interprets that as rejection so before she can reject him more, he calls it off.
And she really really liked him!
So ladies, let’s be compassionate in this whole sexual arena and recognise that men can feel the pressure of performing and pleasing you as much as you can feel it.
My tips for this week:-
Encourage him to let go of the goals and enjoy the present moment through conscious touch and movement, and you will automatically go slow.
Let him know not to stress at all if his erection goes down. If you both relax, it will come back in it's own time.
Move from being tense in lovemaking to being relaxed – the bodies will respond.
Cool lovemaking instead of hot hot hot. It gives time for a woman's body to open and for a man to relax more and do less.
Diana Richardson and Michael Richardson say in Tantric Sex for Men "To relax in sex, a man needs to be encouraged to abandon the idea that he, as a man, is 100 % responsible for the quality of shared sexual experience, whether it is very good, quite good, or unsatisfactory"
And ladies, remember - men are sensitive – let’s not forget that – they may not always show it but they feel just as much as women do. Just in a different way.
I'd love to hear how this resonates for you and if it was helpful. And remember The Making Love Retreat is 20-26th Sept so it's coming up fast. Book now to enjoy finding out more about this amazing subject and actually get the chance to experience The Making Love Approach first hand.
P.S Your body is not broken. Menopause is a gateway, a privilege, a time to embrace change with grace and step into a life that is empowered, loving and alive. This is your birthright as a woman. You have been waiting for this all your life... Buy mine and Diana's book Tantric Sex and Menopause on Amazon AUS, Amazon US & Amazon UK.
Unwind to re-wild .... as in return to your instinctive self. That's Womantime.
November 21st - 24th will be the fourth Womantime Retreat.
As this work is all about the body, I am finding that the Womantime process is getting deeper and deeper, as each retreat unfolds. So I'm creating more spaciousness for this depth.
Each day is carefully threaded by important ancient wisdom about the female body. Today I thought...
Have you ever been speaking with someone, and they are completely away somewhere else? Have you ever done that yourself?
Or you have been so emotionally charged about something, or so stressed that you simply are not 'here' when someone is trying to connect with you?
After many years with couples and in my own experience, I have come to observe three important keys to creating more emotional and sexual intimacy in relationships. I call them the '3 P's'.
It is surely a complex world we live in.
There's a new Australian 4 part series on SBS on Thursday night called The Hunting, which has prompted this post as I saw the first episode last Thursday evening. Woh... It's a chilling reminder of what our teenagers are currently faced with in teenage sex and relationships and demands the viewer to see things from every angle. What is 'normalised'...
A few weeks ago, I went to Uluru with my dear friend, Sharon, to do our Level 3 Art of Feminine Presence training with Rachael Jayne Groover.
It was an amazing week with some deep insights into how I show up around women and some of the wounds I've carried and how even with our story, there's a way to move beyond instead of falling into the rabbit hole of a crushing hurt with a tumbling of past hurts carried with it, I had a spontaneous opening... into Love - not just love, this GREAT LOVE that I know holds me, you, us all.
Ok call me 'lame', but I have been watching MAFS, yes Marriage at First Sight. There. I admitted it... Embarassing.
Not the usual thing for me to watch these reality TV shows. I'm usually an ABC, SBS girl but I have to say this one had me hooked.... just a bit.
Not because I thought it was great or that I wanted to find out who would find true love... Because I was astounded at the dynamics of the relationships - the betrayals, the dramas and most of all, the way the women behaved.
In fact, I was APPALLED! ....
21st - 24th Nov, 2019
Montville, Sunshine Coast, QLD
The Making Love Retreat
17th - 23rd May 2020
Sunshine Coast, Qld
Resonating with this?
Join me for event updates, news and musings: