I was speaking with a client the other day, who was completely confused at what happened when she was dating a man she actually really liked. They had only been going out a short time – a few dates and they made love a couple of times. It was 'delicious' as she said. Her whole being wanted to be with him and she was looking forward to the next time.
Which was lovely – at his home, he made dinner, candle lights. They made love. She had to work the next day so she left after making love.
Then after that he just suddenly decided that he had to end it, that he wouldn’t be good for her etc ….
She felt confused, perplexed, slightly upset at finally finding a man she felt an attraction to.
I was intrigued at the suddenness of it and I asked if she could share her story of what exactly happened.
Well when we got deeper into it, the story goes that he orgasmed but she didn’t – he did everything he could to ‘get’ her to orgasm and she was fine not orgasming, but soon after she told him she had to go home.
That made complete sense to me. When you look at conventional sex, there’s a lot for men to ‘do’.
First of all, he has to get her interested. (That's during or after the candle lit dinner!) Then he has to make sure she’s aroused. Then he has to make sure he maintains his erection. Then he has to make sure he enters her before his erection goes down. Then he has to try to not ejaculate before her. Then he has to make sure they come together. And if she doesn’t orgasm after all that? Well that’s just too hard to face for most men.
He didn’t do his ‘job’. And sometimes women wonder why men lose their erections!
So after all that stress, she leaves. I imagine that he interprets that as rejection so before she can reject him more, he calls it off.
And she really really liked him!
So ladies, let’s be compassionate in this whole sexual arena and recognise that men can feel the pressure of performing and pleasing you as much as you can feel it.
My tips for this week:-
Encourage him to let go of the goals and enjoy the present moment through conscious touch and movement, and you will automatically go slow.
Let him know not to stress at all if his erection goes down. If you both relax, it will come back in it's own time.
Move from being tense in lovemaking to being relaxed – the bodies will respond.
Cool lovemaking instead of hot hot hot. It gives time for a woman's body to open and for a man to relax more and do less.
Diana Richardson and Michael Richardson say in Tantric Sex for Men "To relax in sex, a man needs to be encouraged to abandon the idea that he, as a man, is 100 % responsible for the quality of shared sexual experience, whether it is very good, quite good, or unsatisfactory"
And ladies, remember - men are sensitive – let’s not forget that – they may not always show it but they feel just as much as women do. Just in a different way.
I'd love to hear how this resonates for you and if it was helpful. And remember The Making Love Retreat is 20-26th Sept so it's coming up fast. Book now to enjoy finding out more about this amazing subject and actually get the chance to experience The Making Love Approach first hand.
P.S Your body is not broken. Menopause is a gateway, a privilege, a time to embrace change with grace and step into a life that is empowered, loving and alive. This is your birthright as a woman. You have been waiting for this all your life... Buy mine and Diana's book Tantric Sex and Menopause on Amazon AUS, Amazon US & Amazon UK.
It’s been years and years since I’ve allowed myself time to r e a l l y, t r u l y, w h o l e h e a r t e d l y relax.
Cortisol levels rising before, during and after menopause make anxiety a very real thing for many mid-life women. So delicate is a woman’s hormonal system it makes times like these a must for us to maintain balance.
This is becoming common knowledge now but when I was researching for our book, Tantric Sex and Menopause almost 5 years ago, no one was talking about it.
For years I have written about women closing down sexually. I'm kind of known for it.
But the thing is that men close down too. We all do - it is not necessarily gender specific.
It's just that men usually have naturally high testosterone, rising by 800% in a boy's teens, which makes him highly sexually driven, also give that it is his dymanic pole, in a Tantric sense.
Testosterone can remain high until his 50's - 60's and still quite a reasonable level into his 70's, as long as he is healthy.
But some men find that they have absolutley no drive for sex and no erection at all, even at younger ages - 30's - 40's. And the heart breaking thing is - like women, is that they don't want to be closed....
There's an acceleration of consciousness sweeping the planet right now. Can you feel that?
Things that were 'fringe' 30 years ago are now mainstream.
Conversations that were behind closed doors are now open and in the nightly news - abuse, depression, anxiety, sex offenders and narcissistic leaders being called out etc etc.
The world is now wanting authenticity. Not a glossed version of 'I have it all together' - it's about realness.
There's one real conversation that I am glad is being had now too and it's about another change - 'the' change - yes the change women go through anywhere from their late 30's, 40's, 50's. Menopause, peri-menopause.
There's nothing more real than your body changing unexpectedly or even gradually - looking down at it and seeing what once was up is now down!
There’s something I’ve observed over my decades of life that is having me fascinated lately.
The couples I know that have had lasting and secure love over many years have all had something in common.
These couples would always be attentive to each other, always sit together or be in close contact at gatherings, always be cueing each other and watch out for each other.
I used to wonder if they were a little ‘co-dependant’, relied on each other too much, perhaps even a bit controlling....
The Making Love Retreat
17th - 23rd May 2020
Sunshine Coast, Qld
Womantime Retreat Dates
Montville, Sunshine Coast, QLD
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