Years ago, I used to be a bit of a stress head. It didn't matter what was going on, things would often turn into a drama of some kind or another. My children were small, I had two businesses, a relationship…
Things have changed - well children grow up and so do we. But there has been one thing that has drastically changed my life having a profound and deep influence. I've discovered how bonding through loving intimate presence can settle the nervous system and actually have profound health giving results.
We all know that children will die from lack of touch. A hundred years ago, 99% of babies in orphanages in the US, died before they were 7 months old. They simply wasted away.
In hospitals now, when children are sick or premature, even though they are given the same amount of food, the ones that are touched, through 15 minutes of massage three times a day or rocked and cuddled by parents or volunteers, grow faster, gain more weight and will leave the hospital more quickly.
Not only that, the caregivers report that when they regularly massage babies, the caregivers drink less coffee, made fewer trips to the doctor and report lower anxiety levels, fewer symptoms of depression, and improved self-esteem. Both child and adult were engaging in a bonding experience, simply loving affection.
There's really no difference between children and adults when it comes to touch. We all need it. We all have skin over 100% of our body.
If a couple wish to sustain, enhance or rekindle the intimate side of their relationship, there's no better place to start than with simple bonding experiences. Forget the sensational goals of the sparks and bliss. They will happen naturally.
Simply relaxing with each other, touching, caressing, snuggling, kissing, loving and giving, in a less driven style of intimacy actually allows oxytocin, the 'cuddle' hormone to be released. This is the hormone that helps to bond infants with their parents and it's no different for a couple. It relaxes and bonds a couple in a very deep and meaningful way.
Oxytocin is also the hormone that activates the parasympathetic nervous system, which is where deep healing, deep restoration of body, mind and soul can happen.
Couples who devote even fifteen minutes a day to intentional bonding feel the benefit and the ongoing effect on their relationship. Emotional disruptions fall away, intimacy increases, and compassion and kindness naturally replace resentment or anger. What's important though, is to do this, just like the babies, on a regular daily basis — daily.
And for singles, gaining this touch through regular massage, hugging friends, family members, cuddling babies, children or pets are a great option until the right person comes along!
Ok, I still get stressed — I'm human. But, there's no longer so much drama, I am more resilient, so much healthier and far happier! To tell the truth, the simplicity has astounded me.
There's still more to this story if you want to deepen the sexual connection in your relationship. Learn how mystery meets science in the approach to making love and intimacy that, with awareness, can transform your life.
If you want to learn more, SLOW SEX, the movie, Diana Richardson's award winning documentary. There are no explicit scenes in this movie. It is so tastefully done, while really getting the message across about a new style of loving.
If you and your partner wish to be part of a 6 day immersion into Love,The Making Love Retreat is coming up.
A version of this article was published in Holistic Bliss June edition 2013
P.S Your body is not broken. Menopause is a gateway, a privilege, a time to embrace change with grace and step into a life that is empowered, loving and alive. This is your birthright as a woman. You have been waiting for this all your life... Buy mine and Diana's book Tantric Sex and Menopause on Amazon AUS, Amazon US & Amazon UK.
For years I have written about women closing down sexually. I'm kind of known for it.
But the thing is that men close down too. We all do - it is not necessarily gender specific.
It's just that men usually have naturally high testosterone, rising by 800% in a boy's teens, which makes him highly sexually driven, also give that it is his dymanic pole, in a Tantric sense.
Testosterone can remain high until his 50's - 60's and still quite a reasonable level into his 70's, as long as he is healthy.
But some men find that they have absolutley no drive for sex and no erection at all, even at younger ages - 30's - 40's. And the heart breaking thing is - like women, is that they don't want to be closed....
There's an acceleration of consciousness sweeping the planet right now. Can you feel that?
Things that were 'fringe' 30 years ago are now mainstream.
Conversations that were behind closed doors are now open and in the nightly news - abuse, depression, anxiety, sex offenders and narcissistic leaders being called out etc etc.
The world is now wanting authenticity. Not a glossed version of 'I have it all together' - it's about realness.
There's one real conversation that I am glad is being had now too and it's about another change - 'the' change - yes the change women go through anywhere from their late 30's, 40's, 50's. Menopause, peri-menopause.
There's nothing more real than your body changing unexpectedly or even gradually - looking down at it and seeing what once was up is now down!
There’s something I’ve observed over my decades of life that is having me fascinated lately.
The couples I know that have had lasting and secure love over many years have all had something in common.
These couples would always be attentive to each other, always sit together or be in close contact at gatherings, always be cueing each other and watch out for each other.
I used to wonder if they were a little ‘co-dependant’, relied on each other too much, perhaps even a bit controlling....
Back in 1971, when I was in Grade 7, all I wanted was to become a ‘Sister of Mary’. They were the high school girls, who glided like angels into church every Saturday morning wearing these soft blue capes over their dresses. Like an apparition, they appeared so pure, so beautiful, so mysterious. Oh, I so wanted that!
You can imagine how disappointed I was when they abolished the practice just as I came into Grade 8!
Even though I have not been a practicing catholic since the age of 16, I am profoundly aware that those early years formed a deep impression on me and an appreciation of the sacred, of devotion, of dedication, of kindness and of love.
And it also left its mark...
Unwind to re-wild .... as in return to your instinctive self. That's Womantime.
August 27th - 30th will be the fifth Womantime Retreat.
As this work is all about the body, I am finding that the Womantime process is getting deeper and deeper, as each retreat unfolds. So I'm creating more spaciousness for this depth.
Each day is carefully threaded by important ancient wisdom about the female body. Today I thought...
The Making Love Retreat
17th - 23rd May 2020
Sunshine Coast, Qld
27th - 30th Aug, 2020
Montville, Sunshine Coast, QLD
Resonating with this?
Join me for event updates, news and musings: